Have you ever noticed that your children and/or spouses are amazing at doing chesed for other people, but not nearly as enthusiastic when it comes to doing chesed at home? Pesach cleaning often brings this phenomenon to the foreground.
One of our children was cleaning the car for Pesach when they were spotted by a neighbour who lured them into cleaning for them instead. Now, I am all for chesed, and was so glad that our child could help this other family in need for a few hours. But what amazed me was that this child is not particularly excited by cleaning at home and often did so rather distractedly. However, they spent five hours happily doing a mitzvah for a neighbour and came back on a high! (Okay the small fee might have upped the incentive but that’s beside the point).
A friend of mine shared a similar anecdote about one of her children. She was blessed with a child who was excellent at doing fancy hairstyles (tisrokot in Hebrew apparently) for other children free of charge, but reluctant to do them for her own siblings.
Our children are not the only ones who act in this seemingly contradictory way. We all do to some extent. Why?
Perhaps it has something to do with acting out of love versus acting due to compulsion or duty.
In the Artscroll siddur, the commentary on the morning brachot points out that we thank Hashem for the different roles and missions we have been assigned. For instance, we say a bracha to than Hashem for us being a Jew, for not being a slave, for being a male (men only). The commentary explains that all such missions carry extra responsibilities and we thank Hashem for the challenge of fulfilling them. Specifically, male free Jews “express gratitude that they were NOT freed from the obligation to perform time related commandments. This follows the Talmudic dictum that an obligatory performance of a commandment is superior to a voluntary one because it is human nature to resist obligations (Gadol hametzuvah v’oseh mimi she’aino metzuvah v’aoseh.” (see page 19).
Human beings tend to naturally follow their ratzon (desire or will). When we perform an action that we have not been told to do, it is likely that we are acting and being motivated by self-love, to satiate our desire. Otherwise, we would not choose to act in that way. Conversely, when we are told to do something by someone else and we do so, there is at least a chance that we would not have performed that action of our own free will. The degree to which we act contrary to our own natural inclination simply because the other told us to do so is the degree to which we are acting lishma. And this is the ideal level of mitzvah performance – acting completely lishma, for Hashem’s sake, because He told us to. (Admittedly, sometimes our natural inclination or will so happens to fortunately coincide or overlap with Hashem’s will. In such cases, it is not the action but the percentage of our true inner ratzon which will determine our reward. Only Hashem knows how much we would have otherwise wanted to do His will and He rewards accordingly for our toil).
Another interesting message we can learn from the Artscroll commentary on brachot as cited above relates to the concept of freedom. We express gratitude to Hashem every morning that we were not born slaves – and yet, the commentary states that for males this refers to appreciation for not being freed from obligations. In other words, in this sense we specifically define freedom from slavery as not escaping or being given higher level obligations to Hashem.
Pesach is a time to celebrate our freedom. But what is freedom? Freedom from what? The Western world may assume that freedom is equated with less obligations, less commandments, less duties. However, the unique interpretation of a male appreciating his superior obligatory performance as we explored above ironically suggests that for a Jew, freedom is equated with superior obligatory performances. We were slaves in Egypt to Pharoah, and at the Seder we celebrate leaving Egypt in order to serve Hashem. By serving Hashem through Torah and mitzvot, we are elevating our souls and extricating them from the restrictive physicality of our bodies, the laws of nature and of this world. In other words, we recognise that the more we increase our service of Hashem, the less enslaved we actually are!
How can we apply this to our parenting practice this week?
Look out for times when our children or spouses are acting against their nature and doing a kindness or mitzvah that they are not naturally wired to do. Then, praise them to the skies for it. And celebrate the lishma aspect with them.
Celebrate all the numerous duties and mitzvot Hashem has commanded our families leading up to and on Pesach as a time to demonstrate our true freedom – to choose to bind ourselves even closer to the one King who controls it all. Ahh…lean back (or to the left) and savour true freedom.
I overheard a neighbour inquiring of another about their Pesach cleaning status. “Hakol b’Seder” was the Israeli neighbour’s reply. This is a common phrase meaning “everything is okay.” But think about the literal translation of the words – everything is in order. Or, in Pesach terminology, “everything is in Seder.”
This was a precious message for me to hear erev Pesach. Everything is contained in the Seder. The Pesach Seder tells the story of the Jewish people from the beginning of their journey to freedom. Our re-telling of the story includes the tears (symbolized by the salt water), the hard work and bitterness (symbolized by the maror), the quick running to do Hashem’s will (the matza), the sweetness (wine, charoset). It emphasizes the importance of chinuch / education (the involvement of the children), and of intellectual questioning and inquiry as a path towards Torah and Hashem. It reveals Jewish people’s inherent emuna (the blood on the doorposts) and gives us chizzuk and emuna for the future (for instance, kos shel Eliyahu Hanavi). And, as my sister in law taught me in the name of a friend Talia Silver, the seder night represents the amazing unconditional love Hashem had for His chosen people (elevating us from 49th level of impurity to 50th level of purity in one night!).
By teaching our children the seder in the best possible way, we are giving them the true secret to everything a Jew could ever want or need. Because hidden within the seder lies the 6 Constant Mitzvot – emuna in Hashem, that there is no other G-d or power, that Hashem is in everything, to fear Hashem, to love Hashem and to not be distracted by our mitzrayim, our personal Pharoahs that try to enslave and distract us from our true service. Hakol – that is ALL, that is everything.
Wishing you a beautiful personal journey towards freedom and escape from your mitzrayim. May you and your families feel a closer and stronger connection with Hashem and His unconditional love.
Chag Sameach!
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder