In this week’s parsha we learn many laws, one of which relates to taking vows. The Torah teaches that when you make a vow to Hashem, we must not be late paying it otherwise it will be a sin and Hashem will demand it from you (23:22). It is also a positive commandment to uphold our word “you shall observe and carry out what emerges from your lips…”(23:24).
The Artscroll commentary on Devarim notes that perhaps vows are discussed in this section because people at war often want to win Hashem’s favour and protect themselves by promising to do good things.
This suggests that our words are quite important – they are not just puffs of air that come out of our mouths. They are as important as what goes into our mouths. We often spend a lot of effort and care making sure the food that goes into our mouths is kosher. And we might even realise that lashon harah and other evil talk that comes out of our mouths is to be avoided. But what may be less well known (well, here I speak for myself) is that keeping our word and making sure we do what we say, both to Hashem and to others, is also fundamental and a mitzvah/aveira.
For instance, in Tehillim David Hamelech teaches “mi haish hechafetz chayim ohev yamim lirot tov who is the man who desires life who loves days of seeing good). (33:13) And then it teaches “notzer leshoncha merah usefatecha midaber mirmah” guard your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.” (33:14) It seems like guarding your tongue from evil might refer to lashon harah and onas devarim. But what does speaking deceit refer to? Perhaps this mitzvah here of upholding your word. And then the next passuk follows: “tzur mirah v’aseh tov” (turn from evil and do good) (33:15). Maybe turning from evil is referring to the aveira of breaking a vow or promise to do something, and “doing good” is the mitzvah part corresponding to doing the mitzvah of upholding your word. That is, the two parts both the aveira and the mitzvah relating to keeping one’s word as described in our parsha.
The importance of one’s word is seen by examining the meaning of the before-bracha “she’hakol”. When we eat foods requiring a “shehakol” blessing, we bless Hashem first “that everything will go according to Your word.” Wouldn’t it have been more clear to say “everything will go according to Your Will, or Your Plan, or the Torah?” I always thought the word “word” here was a little unusual. However, perhaps this gives us another clue as to how important are the words out of our mouths, that we are blessing Hashem that He keeps His word, his promise to Avraham.
Keeping our word is not limited to times when we say “I promise.” It apparently even extends to all times when we assure someone of something we will do in the future, and do not attach “bli neder” to our assurance. Keeping all our assurances may seem quite difficult to keep in practice. Every single thing we say we will do, we have to try to uphold.
Interestingly, the Torah also gives us a clue as to a good way of minimising or even avoiding this sin altogether. In Passuk 23, sandwiched between the sin for breaking a vow (which we try to annul on Kol Nidrei) and the positive commandment to carry out what we say, the Torah teaches “If you refrain from vowing, there will be no sin in you.” (23:23).
This may seem very simple advice if you do not want to sin, don’t vow! Don’t make promises you cannot keep, don’t assure people you will do something and then not do it.
The Chofetz Chayim said that abstaining from speaking for one day (taanis dibbur) is far superior to abstaining from food. In his excellent small book “Rebbes and Chassidim”, Rabbi Avraham Twersky teaches that refraining from speaking for a whole day can teach us that we can function quite well without speech, and we can learn to be more careful and discriminating with our verbal communication. (p. 32) Such a practice does not damage the body and does much good for the soul.
Obviously as parents of growing children it does not seem real to be able to restrain from speaking to our family the whole day. However, even if we pick one hour to restrain this may help us value our words. Alternatively, we could stop and contemplate our sentences before they come out of our mouths for one day and hopefully reduce the likelihood of committing this aveira in this area of upholding our word.
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More on Elul
It was late. I just wanted to get home and into bed. But I was waiting kind of impatiently for a trailer truck to move out of our parking space outside our house. It was night-time, its break lights were on, but there was no one apparently home. Well, actually there was a driver but he wasn’t going anywhere fast, and didn’t seem like he was going anywhere at all!
Then, I notice the cute bumper sticker stuck to the back of his trailer “Ten Li Chiyuch, Hakol btova” (Give me a smile, it’s all for the good). And despite myself, I couldn’t help smiling, to myself, in the dark.
What a clever way to neutralize any potential road rage! In his book “Living Emuna”, Rav Ashear teaches that we should praise Hashem whenever we can. For how can Hashem curse us when His people is blessing Him? And what better time of the year to praise Hashem than when He is right next to us in the field, essentially in our own backyards! The days of Elul are charged with particularly potent Divine compassion. If we take advantage of Hashem’s closeness and show the world cute bumper stickers with praise of our Creator, how can HaKadosh Baruch Hu not “ten lanu chiyuch” (give us a smile)?
How can we relate this message to our parenting practice this week?
Before we even experience any negative interactions with our children or families, we can strive to head them off at the pass with a positive, cute message of love or emuna. “I believe in you”, “You are the best”, I missed you, I love your smile” may all bring out softness and compassion in our children, and more likely lead us to reciprocate with softness and compassion as well. In a beautiful circle of harmony. And in this compassionate, open space, it is easier to then admit our mistakes, and forgive our children theirs. Because we are all human and we are all on our own teshuva journeys.
May you have a beautiful, blessed Shabbas filled with fulfilled promises and lots of compassionate smiles!
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder