In Parshat Achrei, the Torah specifies that we should not cohabit with certain relatives and in certain times. If one reads the actual text, one unusual things to note is the amount of times the Torah repeats the phrase “ervat…lo tegaleh”- the nakedness of [ ] you shall not uncover.” I counted approximately 14 pessukim in which this same phrase is used. Given that Chazal teach that each word in the Torah is precious, holy and not wasted, why does the Torah repeat itself in this manner? Surely it could just have specified “the nakedness of your father, mother, sister, aunt…etc you shall not uncover” and conserve space and words instead of repeating itself.
One explanation is the fact that this repetition indicates the seriousness of this mitzvah. According to the Artscroll Stone edition sefer Vayikrah (p. 108), the laws governing sexual relationships are the key to Jewish holiness. As Chazal teaches, wherever one finds safeguards of chastity, there one finds holiness (Vayikra Rabbah 24:6). For instance, when a bride and groom are married, the groom utters the words “harei at mekudeshet li” – You are consecrated to me”, sharing the shoresh “kodesh”, holy. And the very next parsha, Kedoshim, is titled as such.
Another explanation for the repetition of words in this area may be the fact that we need the repetition in order to overcome our otherwise natural tendencies. If the matter was simply mentioned once, we may overlook its importance or be rather swayed by our baser tendencies. Sforno explains why people would otherwise be drawn to cohabiting with relatives because “they would be suited to one another and their common values and similar personality would be likely to produce good offspring.” (p. 109). However, since most people seek pleasure and are not solely focused on the elevation of offspring, he explains the permissibility of close relationships could lead to indulgence and hedonism.
Thus, the Torah may be ramming home the message that these tempting and easy relationships are off limits to help us accept this restriction not just with our minds, but also with our hearts.
When our brains are introduced to new and exciting material, we do not need it to be repeated in order to accept it as fact (we are not talking about memory, just accepting a piece of information as true). However, in order to accept something with our hearts and follow and behave according to its precepts with simcha, we may need countless repetitions of this truth. Our hearts and behaviour are gentle beasts that need constant care and reminders.
Thus, one effective way of implanting something from our sechel (our intelligence) into our hearts is to use slow, gradual, steady repetition. The repetition may be used to help change our hearts, not just our minds. When we read an interesting and wise fact, we need not repeat it over and over again. However, to target our emotions and beliefs which in turn can affect a change in our behaviour, we may need a stronger, more repetitive approach. For example, Chassidic masters teach that one way to reach a calm, joyful state is to choose a passuk and repeat it over and over while we are in a state of calm consciousness. Then, in times of stress we can summon this calm state into our hearts.
Similarly, the author Rav Ithamar Schwartz relies on this approach often in teaching us valuable Torah lessons on spirituality. His whole writing is replete with repetition. (Admittedly, when I first started learning his work, I was surprised and a bit frustrated by this style. Being an editor and writer with word counts and limits, I did not understand why his beautiful Torah thoughts were being repeated over and over again. Only after I learned his style for a long time did I appreciate the beauty and the effectiveness of this approach which is so helpful in getting us to put things into practice). However, in the chapter on mussar in his sefer Bilvavi Mishkan Evni, the Rav himself explains the rationale behind this seemingly strange repetition, in this case in his message of relating to Hashem as Creator, King and Father. He teaches that in order to address the heart, the emotions, not merely the sechel, we need to learn and immerse gradually and repetitively over time.
This idea is reinforced by Rabbi Akiva’s experience with water dropping onto a stone. In Avot D’Rav Nattan (see ch 6 mishnah 2) it records that Rabbi Akiva:
“once passed by a well and noticed a carved stone. He asked who carved this stone, and they told him that it was the water that constantly dripped on it. From this, he said that if water was able to carve a hole in the hard rock, surely the words of Torah could carve his heart.”
The slow, steady, soft approach of water on a stone was successful not only at carving away rock, but also encouraging Rabbi Akiva at 40 years old to change his life and become a Torah leader.
This idea of persistence and consistency over time dovetails nicely with the Kabbalistic sefirah that we focus on this week during our Omer practice, that of netzach, victory. One characteristic I have heard associated with netzach is consistency, to stick at something repeatedly and not be side-tracked by distractions or deterred by challenges or interruptions.
How can we apply this concept to our parenting practice this week?
In its excellent chinuch column one week (please forgive me for not recalling the exact date), Inyan magazine published an article with some common questions posed by parents. One question was how to avoid nagging. Though the author gave some suggestions, he ultimately advised parents not to assume that they would be able to give up on nagging any time soon. He believed that parents cannot escape nagging as a form of parenting discipline, that it is just par for the course, and seemed to imply that it is part of the consequence of the sin of Eve, the pain of child-rearing.
At first I was a little surprised by this fait accompli attitude to nagging. But the more I thought about it (and ended up resorting to it in everyday life), the more I realised hidden away in the nagging approach is a jewel of success – repetition. Not the helpless, whingey or whiney tone. But rather if we borrow the repetition and consistency over time associated with nagging but fuse it with a patient, gentle, soft manner, we may end up hitting victory.
Perhaps a good way forwards for parents to change behaviour and help our children grow is to pick one middah or habit we want them to chance and persistently target it with gentleness and patience but also with consistency. And to be willing to repeat ourselves again, and again, and again. By sticking with our request or teaching with tenacity but avoiding impatience, frustration or emotion, we may be blessed to end up obtaining our sought after goal. In this way the soft, slow, steady approach may help IY”H to carve the behaviour we would like to see in our children for eternity.
Wishing you a beautiful Shabbas, may the holiness of Shabbas permeate and persist for all eternity.
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder