In this week’s parsha we learn more about the details of the korbanot. Given that our prayer service to Hashem replaces korbanot while we do not have the Beit Hamikdash, it is a good opportunity to continue discussing tefillah.
In his parsha sheet this week, Rabbi Ledder teaches that our thoughts can be categorized kabbalistically. Specifically, he explains that chochmah refers to the spark of an idea that enters our mind. Binah refers to our understanding of that idea, through unravelling and analysing it. He teaches that we are not responsible for the sparks that enter our mind during davening, but that we do have a responsibility and ownership of those ideas that we start to unravel and analyse.
The first bracha we recite in our Shacharit brachot is:
“Blessed are you Hashem our G-d King of the universe Who gave the heart understanding to distinguish between day and night.”
In the Artscroll siddur, the commentary on this bracha teaches that the Hebrew word “shechvi” means both “rooster” and “understanding.” According to the Rosh, both meanings are implied – the rooster crows and the heart reacts and understands that it is now appropriate for daytime activities (see page 19 of the siddur). Kabbalistically, chochmah is a “masculine” trait and binah is considered a “feminine” trait. Thus, generally speaking, women are generally gifted with more binah. This fits with the fact that women are generally more emotional, and considered more “understanding”.
Going back to Rabbi Ledder’s distinction between the spark and the building of an idea, it may seem that our feminine side (which is usually, but not always, more dominant in women) is generally therefore more at risk of “unpacking” their thoughts during davening than the masculine side 9which is usally more dominant in men). However, on the other hand, since the masculine side is stronger in chochmah to start with, this means they it is at risk in this sense in that sparks of thought are more likely to enter more often.
Consider luggage on a conveyor belt in the airport. If we are simply there to pick up our own luggage, it is not useful to pay any attention to other people’s luggage. If we do find ourselves focusing on other people’s luggage, we should at least not take it off the conveyor belt since it is “foreign” and does not belong to us. And if we do mistakenly take it off the conveyer belt, it would certainly not be helpful to unpack the foreign luggage. It is probably full of oversized t-shirts or undersized nappies anyway J! But whatever the contents, it is not ours and therefore a waste of energy to be directing any focus or attention on it. Imagine the wasted effort involved in heaving other people’s luggage of the conveyor belt, schlepping it home, unfastening it, unpacking it.. only to realize it does not belong to us and is not useful to us.
Our masculine side may have more luggage, which distracts us and thus we may find it more difficult to identify our own suitcase on the conveyor belt. Our feminine side might have less confusing luggage in front of us, but may be more tempted to lug some of luggage home and unpack it when it does not belong to us.
However, continuing the analogy further, our own luggage is another story. We must take our own luggage home, unpack it, sort it, analyse it and use it appropriately, for our own benefit. If we leave it on the conveyor belt or take it home but fail to unpack it, we have wasted precious resources perfectly suited and owned by us.
Perhaps it is the third intellectual sefirah, that of da’as (or knowledge) that is responsible for enabling us to correctly identify which luggage is ours, which to unpack and which to let go of. It takes wisdom and awareness, especially of ourselves to know which thoughts are meritorious to unpack and which are not good for us to dwell on.
Applying this analogy back to prayer, we must strive to reach a point of da’as, self-awareness and successfully sifting through our thoughts, especially those that crop up during tefillah. We can strive to only take off the conveyor belt those good ones that belong to us. Just as much as we wouldn’t consider taking someone else’s luggage home with us, so too we can strive to leave behind those foreign thoughts that crop up during our service. Of course, just like other people’s luggage our Amidah will be scattered with many thoughts that are not ours and not suitable for us. However, as soon as we identify them as foreign, we can let these thoughts go off around the turnstile and not waste our time and energy unpacking or analysing them.
How can we apply this message to our parenting practice this week?
In numerous articles published in Family First magazine (a parenting supplement of Mishpacha magazine), Sarah Yocheved Radcliffe teaches that we should try to reach an ideal ratio of “3:1” with our positive and negative interactions with our family. That is, for every one negative interaction (including an instruction to do something) we should strive for 3 positive statements – such as affirmations, compliments or appreciation.In a particular article published pre- Pesach (I apologise for not recalling the exact source), Sarah Radcliffe advises us to focus on this even more. With more family around and more intense tasks to complete, the pressure is on and we can strive to make even more of an effort to reach this ratio.
We can also apply this advice to our thoughts about and interactions with our family members as well. One way to manage this more successfully in real time may be to consciously “unpack” only the positive situations and experiences and thoughts about our family members, and to let the other ones stay foreign by continuing their journey around the conveyor belt. Instead of wasting time, energy or attention into those foreign suitcases, we can strive to harness most of our (limited) energy on the positive beneficial thoughts, interactions and conversations. “Own” the positive interactions and leave the others behind …in Mitzrayim. Note however that there are times as parents where we will need to focus on negative traits and behaviours for the sake of chinuh and characer development. However, with the mindfulness that comes with da’as, these situations become new luggage that we deliberately choose to acquire and unpack, not an unconscious knee-jerk reaction.
Furthermore, if as a parent we work on knowing our spouse and children well, we may also be able to identify which ideas and thoughts they try on that are foreign or not ma’tiim (suitable) for them, and which are appropriate and fitting. In this way, we can help them increase their own da’as and be more able to identify only the thoughts (behaviours, habits etc) that are healthy and help their Avodat Hashem.
Wishing you a Shabbat Shalom, full of beautiful thoughts and the ability to choose which ones to dwell on.
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder