When our family first made Aliyah we spent quite a bit of time moving around. In retrospect one would call it a pilot trip but there was one difference. We were not systematically trying out new places in order to see which fit us best. Rather, we were travelling with all our possessions (except for those in the lift that had not yet arrived from Australia) from place to place in order to find a home. It seemed that we could not find a place available for more than a few weeks at a time. Obviously, Hashem planned for us to move around. When we reminisce now about those earlier days of our Aliyah journey, we felt that only we, our immediate family, could reminisce and share the trials and tribulations of those Aliyah early days. But were we the only ones?
In this week’s parsha we read the first portion of the final sefer of the Chumash, Sefer Devarim. In this book Moshe does a recap of the Jewish people’s journeys and experiences since they left Egypt. Moshe’s recap is hardly favourable; he rebukes the people by reminding them of their failings including the sin of the spies.
Last week in Parshat Matot Maasei, we read of the 42 stops that Bnei Yisrael had on their journey in the midbar. After 40 years Hashem finally gave the command to stop wandering and start entering Eretz Yisrael. A question arises. What was the significance of Moshe mentioning all 42 of the stops that Bnei Yisrael made during their sojourn? Surely the people knew where they had travelled. And is there any significance that these stopovers were listed right before Moshe rebuked the people?
A number of answers are given. Rashi explains that it is reminding us that even though Bnei Yisrael were punished with 40 years of wandering, they actually enjoyed extended periods of rest. This shows Hashem’s kindness and compassion.
Maybe we can also learn that it is no coincidence that Hashem listed these stopovers precisely in the first Shabbos of the 9 day period of mourning. This particular period of time is a time when we are sad at the distance between Him and us, a period where we are increasing our remorse and regret over our failed relationship with Him and the absence of His Shechinah in the world. By listing each and every specific stopover, Hashem is giving us concrete proof through His knowledge of our exact whereabouts that He was with us in every aspect of our journey. He was right there! Not only did He devise the itinerary but He WAS with us in our pain and in every experience.
Reflecting back on the initial moves involved in our early Aliyah journey, I now realise that as well as our immediate family members, there was One other Who was also with us, the One who devised the itinerary and Who shared all our trials and tribulations. And when we experienced the inevitable challenges of packing up and moving around so many times, it would have been comforting to have really internalised the message that He was right there too. So we can share our reminisces with Him, He who not only devises the best itinerary for each family, but Who is the only One who is right there with every family in each journey, all the little and big moves and stopovers.
So it seems that there is a sweetness and comfort in knowing that despite our hardship and travails, Hashem has not deserted us, He has not forsaken us but that He loves us unconditionally and He is always is waiting nearby, no matter what.
How can we apply this message to our parenting practice this week?
One message we may glean from parshat Devarim (and half of Parshat Va’etchanan) is how to rebuke properly. Though we had to be rebuked for our own good, Hashem made sure that it was only after we were reminded that He was with us in our travails.
When one knows that the person rebuking us is with us in our pain, then we believe they are ‘on our side.’ And are more likely to accept the message of the rebuke, despite our discomfort or humiliation of being told we are wrong. If we as parents are required to rebuke our children, we can try to emulate Hashem by simultaneously reminding them before we rebuke them of how much we care about them and that we are with them, no matter what. We may not think their current behaviour is fitting or appropriate for them, but we love them and will never permanently desert them, no matter what.
Another lesson we may extract from this parsha is the fact that despite our errors, and despite His necessary rebuke, Hashem loves us no matter what. He will not give up on us and our relationship with Him. ‘No matter what’ is a sign of un-conditionality. . When we say ‘we love you no matter what’ to our children, and prove that we love them despite ANY behaviour that may make us feel temporarily irritated or disappointed in them, we are demonstrating unconditional love.
For instance, in our parsha, Moshe retells the “incident of the spies” (when the Jewish people were afraid of entering the Land of Israel after hearing the fearful report from the infamous spies). He reminds Bnei Yisrael how they spoke against Hashem when they said: “Because of G‑d’s hatred for us did He take us out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorite to destroy us.”
It is amazing to think that Bnei Yisrael could presume that Hashem hated them and THAT’s why he took them out of Egypt. But despite this completely irrational and unfair claim, Hashem still does not desert His people. In an insightful article on this issue, Hannah Perlberger points out that usually underlying an irrational complaint is a fear, often a fear of being unloved (see here) She states:
“While it’s very challenging to remain centered, conscious and nonreactive when someone is bitterly complaining, look under the hood of a complaint, especially an irrational one, and you will likely find someone who is insecure, wondering if he or she is loved.”
Those children who sail through their early years without rocking the boat may experience more shalom and be more likeable than their tougher-to-raise siblings. However, ironically, the easier children may never have a chance to learn experientially whether their parents’ love is unconditional. In other words, they may always harbour a subconscious query of whether their parents would have still loved them even if they had been “naughtier” or followed a different path from the one prescribed for them In contrast, those children who bitterly complain that they are not loved, or who test the boundaries to see whether they are truly loved no matter what, are more likely to find their fears unfounded, and put this issue to rest.
During this very difficult period in our Jewish calendar, our relationship with Hashem is strained. And we cry because we want it to be smooth and positive and strong again. But we can simultaneously derive much comfort that just as Hashem did not desert us permanently even when we sinned on the magnitude of the spies, so too His bond with us will not be completely severed even now in the depths of exile. Rather, His unconditional love for us will mean that He will not desert us forever and that His Presence will rest with us once again. May it be very soon!
Wishing you a Shabbat Shalom on this Tisha B’Av. May you achieve a level of menuchat hanefesh, not despite the pain but THROUGH the pain of mourning the exile. As it says, those who mourn for Yerushalayim will merit to see it rebuilt (see Taanit, 30b).
And may we merit to celebrate Shabbos every day of the week, with the next Tisha B’Av being one of joy, bim’hera b’yamenu Amen selah!
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder