In this week’s parsha we read about the sin of the spies. Bnei Yisrael were almost at Eretz Yisrael, and they asked Moshe if they could send out a reconnaissance mission to investigate the worthiness of the land. The majority of the spies came back with a negative report and Bnei Yisrael started complaining and worrying. “Is it not better to go back to Eygpt?” (14:3).
This is a people that were only just recently rescued by Hashem and His miracles from a life of slavery and yet they are complaining and wanting to go back! What are they crying over? The fact that the fruit is too large??? What are they crying over? They are not crying over spilt milk but over milk and honey!
Have you ever wondered why we start Birkat HaShachar in the morning brachot by thanking Hashem for helping us discern the difference between day and night? “Baruch Ata Hashem…l’havin bein Yom u’bein Layla.” It may seem more natural to first bless Hashem for some of the other brachot that we actually list subsequently – for strength, splendour, for providing our needs. Why do we recognise and appreciate the ability to understand between day and night first before all these other important gifts? Similarly, my teacher pointed out that in Shemoneh Esreh, the very first request we make of Hashem (in the middle group of 13 brachot which contain our requests) is to be endowed with wisdom, insight and discernment. What is so special about this ability to discern the truth and recognise good (day) from bad (night)?
My teacher Devorah Yaffa Singer teaches that our ratzon, our will, is what drives us. It is fundamental. Rav Labinsky gave a shiur regarding 10th Tevet and explained that the breach in the walls commemorated by this fast represents a breach in our ratzon. The other two fasts – 17th Tammuz and Tisha B’Av – were subsequent to this breach, because ratzon is paramount.
In Ashrei we daven “potech et yadecha umasbia, l’chol chai ratzon.” (You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.”) Translated here as desire (see Artscroll siddur p. 68), ratzon can also be translated as “will.” Hashem grants us our true, innermost yearnings, what we want to happen. Rav Ithamar Schwartz explains that the shoresh of ratzon is “ratz”, the Hebrew word “to run.” Thus, what do we run to do?
Imagine a toddler who has a collection of colourful Monopoly money with all sorts of denominations. If you offered to swap it with him for a cheque for $1000 – written on one boring, small, plain rectangle of paper – would he do it? Or would he fiercely guard and value his colourful collection, rejecting the vastly more valuable cheque in his ignorance over its true value?
And in every situation we face, how do we know what are our “Mitzrayims”, those things that constrain us and are “bad” for us that we should avoid, and what are our “Eretz Yisraels”, our milk and honeys, those things we should be running towards? In order to know this, we must have da’as and binah, the ability to discern the truth, to understand the difference between day and night. We can only seek the best for ourselves and make the best choices when we know what is good and what is bad. Shlomo Hamelech demonstrated the wisdom to know that asking for wisdom is the wisest thing for which to ask!
Like Bnei Yisrael, if we yearn to be back in Mitzrayim, then invariably Hashem will let it happen. And conversely, when we are heading towards a truly, objectively good place and yet ignorantly complain about our destination, Hashem will take away our honey and spill our milk. And there will really be no use crying over it, since we asked for it!
How can we apply this message to our parenting practice this week?
As a parent, have you ever complained about a stage that your child has gone through, only to realise retrospectively that it was normal and necessary. Teenagers and toddlers may bring out this parental tendency. It may be so tempting to complain about our toddler tantrums or teenager twists. Yet, most of the time these are fundamental and valuable parts of our children’s development and road to independence. If we had the wisdom and discernment to recognise, appreciate and even celebrate their annoying habits as preconditions to, and indicators of, healthy growth, we would be much less likely to complain about something that is actually good for them, and for us!
Consider a situation where a naturally feisty or argumentative child takes ill c”v. In the past, the parent may have complained or struggled against their behaviour. It is only when they are lying pale and wan on the bed that the parent may yearn for and retrospectively appreciate their lively precociousness and wish for its return. The unnaturally quiet and lifeless house helps our heart discern and understand that what we thought was a curse was actually a blessing. I want my feisty child back! Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could learn this lesson without such brutal life experience of contrasts? That is knowing and discerning true day and night.
In yemot HaMashiach, Chazal teach that we may experience terror and “a holocaust of the wicked.” (Mishlei 3:25). But those of us who can discern “day from night” will understand that this is a prelude to Mashiach, that the best is yet to come, that this is simply the darkest time right before the dawn. And we will be able to embrace, and maybe even be on the level of celebrating it. Because we know it truly is good.
Bnei Yisrael were punished for complaining about Hashem’s gifts. Yet, if you read the words of Tehillim, David Hamelech also often seems to complain. For instance, he asks why Hashem is so far away, do not conceal Yourself…etc etc. What is the fundamental difference between Bnei Yisrael’s complaints and David Hamelech’s such that the former is deemed a sin punishable by dying out in the desert, and the latter is considered one of the most amazing and admirable pieces of poetry?
Two possible answers come to mind. First, though David Hamelech starts off some of his perakim of Tehillim by apparently lamenting his current situation, by the end of each Perek he has lifted himself up and connected with Hashem and His goodness. This suggests that David’s main intention is simply to state his current dissatisfaction or problem in order to connect himself more strongly with Hashem. In contrast, Bnei Yisrael did not have such lofty intentions – they were complaining simply in order to complain and using an ayin harah to find the negative. Thus, though the process may look similar, the underlying intention of the two is vastly different. And only Hashem knows our innermost thoughts and true intentions behind our words and actions.
Another reason for the distinction may be due to the differing subject matter of the complaints. Whereas Bnei Yisrael were complaining about Hashem’s gift of His land to them, and rejecting His beautiful bounty, David Hamelech was complaining about not being close to Hashem. We should always want and strive to be closer and closer to Hashem, so complaining about distance from Hashem is something Hashem would also want us to do. In contrast, doubting and devaluing a physical land is acting dissatisfied with our lot and lacking emuna in the benefactor, something that we are taught to avoid.
Wishing you a beautiful wonderful Shabbas filled with the ability to recognise and appreciate the true milk and honey moments!
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder