In this week’s parsha of Emor (Chutz La’Aretz) we learn about the mitzvah of counting the Omer. And this past few weeks we have been counting the Omer, being the seven weeks between Pesach and Shavuot. Attached to every day is a kabbalistic combination of middot, derived from the 7 sefirot of chesed (kindness), gevura (strength/strictness), tiferet (balance), hod (submission), netzach (victory), yesod (foundation) and malchut (kingship). Each week of the Omer is associated with a different sefirah. And every day of that week focuses on a different aspect of the same seven sefirot embedded within that Sefirah. This creates 49 permutations. Each day we hope to attain spiritual improvement in each of these combinations of areas of our middot.
Though the 7 original sefirot seem straightforward, the combinations and permutations seem more complicated. How can we combine two seemingly opposing elements – for instance, chesed (kindness) and gevura (strictness) together? Or hod (submission) and netzach (victory)? Aren’t they opposites? How can we express both of them simultaneously?
Take the second night of the sefirat haomer, which was associated with the sefirot combination of “gevura she’b’chesed.” Literally this means strictness in the kindness. But what does this mean in practice? I am no kabbalist (far from it!) and it seems to me that the two terms are paradoxical. How can one be kind and strict? It seems like such a juxtaposition, no?
But then it hit me. Every time we say “no” to our children for their welfare, every time we brave their initial disappointment and potential negative reaction, every time we have the courage to withhold something from them for the sake of their long term good, we are practising gevura in our chesed.
Another example. The 8th night/day of the Omer is associated by the kabbalistic sefirot combination of “chesed she’b’gevura.” What is the practical difference between chesed sh’begevura (kindness in the strictness) and the sefirah we recite on the second day, being “gevura she’b’chesed” (strictness in the kindness)? Are they not the same thing? Both have an element of kindness, and an element of strictness. So why do we focus on and strive for spiritual perfection in both?
My teacher reminded me that each week is focused on a different “macro” sefirah. And then each day of that week draws out each of the 7 “micro” elements embedded with that sefirah.
So for example, the first week of the Omer focuses on chesed. Thus, gevura she’bechesed is exploring simply the element of strictness or holding back or boundaries embedded within the emanation of kindness. Kindness is still the all-encompassing sefirah. In contrast, in week two, we focus on gevurah as the over-arching emanation, but we explore all the elements that make up this strictness, including kindness.
A practical example of drawing out an element of kindness in our furtherance of gevura/strictness may arise when we give in to our baser nature in order to quieten it down and further our ultimate spiritual goals. We may stop learning Torah and drink a coffee in order to quieten or subdue our lower soul drives for rest and physical gratification, but ideally only and ultimately in order to help us learn more Torah. Or we may recognise our need to sleep in one morning in order to give us more strength to complete our chesed goals of looking after our families properly. We are being kind and compassionate to ourselves physically in order to help strengthen ourselves spiritually.
How can we apply this distinction and discussion to our parenting practice this week?
Some parents are naturally gifted with chesed. They long to give, give, give. This kindness spills over into our parenting practice. We love to give, to spoil, to nurture. An Avraham Avinu type. We could say that such a person’s over-arching sefirah or emanation is chesed. When such a parent is confronted with toddler who is repeatedly endangering themselves by running across the road, their action of discipline in that moment by preventing them running and giving them a smack is actually an element of gevura. Such a parent may recognise that their strength lies in chesed, but may need to rise to challenges by finding the gevura element in their chesed in order to give their child the biggest and best life lesson.
Others are naturally more imbued with gevura as their over-arching sefirah. Such parents may find discipline and setting rules and boundaries comes easily, but may find the compassion or giving aspect of parenting trickier. For instance, imagine a parent that is very self-disciplined and regularly ensures that they have a certain amount of sleep each night to function at their best. Nearly nothing breaks them from this routine. However, they have a sick child who needs night-time bed-care. They realise that if they do not stay up this night and tend to their child, in the end they will probably need to stay up many more nights and break their routine completely. So they give in and sacrifice their hours of rest this particular night, in the hope that it will stave off the need for many more nights interrupted sleep. The particular action of caring for their child at night is the chesed element embedded within the gevurah emanation.
The point of this spiritual work during the Omer is not to change our inherent natures. We are all perfectly imperfect, and inherently valuable to Hashem and each other. We all need to excel at one or another emanation more than the others so that we can contribute and balance out our families and the klal (community). Having said that, we do need to strive to draw out the opposing sefirah embedded within our dominant sefirah in order to balance ourselves out a little.
For instance, if we realize we are naturally more of a gevura type, then we may strive to seek out the chesed element within that gevura. To balance us out. And vice versa. This work can help us spiritually improve by shining a light and focusing in on the more hidden element that is one of the 7 vital components of our essence.
Let’s put it another way. Perhaps we could say that those of us imbued with gevura should celebrate that, but realise that our test or nisayonot may be to bring out the chesed element of our gevura. And to realise that by bringing out this chesed element, this enables us to function with gevura more generally. And those of us imbued with more chesed should realise that our tests may often focuses on bringing out the gevura aspect of our personality.
A story that supports this is the poor mother of 10 hungry children who finds an egg. The children all clamour for it. She calmly goes into her room, shuts the door and comes out some minutes later without the egg. The children ask her who is going to get the egg and where is it? She confidently tells them that she ate the egg. She set up boundaries and protected herself in order to continue being a good mother and give chesed in the future. She needed to draw out her element of gevura in her nurturing in order to continue functioning with chesed.
Hashem knows our complicated, underlying natures and what we are naturally gifted in. With honesty and greater da’as (self-awareness), IY”H we too can tap into what is truly driving each of our parenting actions and decisions. With this self-awareness, we can be better placed to balance ourselves out and seek the harmony in each parenting moment.
Wishing you a beautiful Shabbas filled with the perfect balance of opposing kabbalistic forces
With bracha
Chaiya Danielle Ledder